Special bulletin...news report...Saturday October 13...for immediate release
In a briefing today, Super Snail reported that 20 pounds have been lost. This has been verified by independent fact-checkers using a research-based instrument: the bathroom scale. Snail also reported an alleged decrease in inches, although no specific measurements were provided.
Snail described a set of variables that led to this pound reduction, including proper eating behavior, increased fluid intake, and use of a treadmill. Similar results have been reported by others in the past. Further information is forthcoming.
End of report.